Friday, 27 February 2009

Most Interesting Patient

So, as I woke up on Thursday, I noticed the pain in my chest. "Shit!" I thought, "my lung has collapsed again." Not wanting to mess around, I deceided to drive up to A&E. I had to park miles away and by the time I reached reception, I was struggling for breath. A quick glance at the waiting area and I thought I was going to be in for quite a wait. I looked at the scrolling display and saw that the waiting time was one hour. I sat down and prepared to dig in for the day. Thirty seconds later, my name was called over the tannoy. "Result!" I thought, as I walked past all the plebs who were still waiting. Into a cubicle, blood pressure and pulse taken, then a fifteen minute wait for an E.C.G. The nurse and her assistant were very pretty and I felt my self blushing as they attached the sticky pads and the electrodes. Then a twenty minute wait for a chat with the doctor, who I think was young enough to be my son! "Just get me x-rayed!" I thought. Then another twenty minute wait for an x-ray.
Back in the cubicle and the doc stuck his head around the curtain. "Come and look at your x-rays." he said, quite excitedly. " Here's your first one from three weeks ago, and you can see the white line where the top of your lung is, here's the one from two days later, you can see it's slightly higher and here's the one from Friday where it shows the lung re-inflated. Now, here's todays." The white line was really low in my chest."Wow, that's not good is it?" I said.
"I've had a word with my boss and he says we can do a procedure,"
"Uh oh, this is new...." I thought
"what we'll do is insert a syringe into your chest and rain the air out, so if you'll come with me," and with that, he led me around the corner to The Shock Room.
"It's best to do it in here where we've got all the equipment if there's a problem." The room looked like something out of E.R. with lots of expensive, big machines.
"Fuck me, run away, have it away on your toes!" was my immediate reaction but I was outnumbered. I took my top off and jumped on the trolly.
"Now, you are the most interesting patient we've seen today, so lots of junior doctors would like to observe, do you mind?" Well, what could I say?
"No, not at all, bring them in." I heard myself saying. Then an older chap walked in with an ultra sound machine and squirted gel on my chest. A fair bit of probing later, they deceided where the where going to insert the needle.They gave me a local and let it kick in. Then I felt a strange sensation as they inserted a canula and a three way valve. The nurse operated the valve as the doc pumped the syringe. It was a bit like bleeding a radiator. Then I felt a twinge and let out a gasp and the doc said, "Well, that's 450ml, which is nearly a pint, so we'll leave it there and take another x-ray." So everyone left the shock room and I was left on my own until two nurses wheeled me on the trolly back to x-ray. Two snaps later and I was wheeled back to the shock room.Then about half an hour later the doc popped his head around the door and said, "Right, come and look at this one."
I jumped off the trolly and went round the corner to where the monitors were. "Here you go, that went really well, it has nearly completley reinflated. So off you go, any more problems and come back in but for now, you're done." I thanked him and on my way out stopped to make an appointment for the review clinic.
Walking back across the car park I rang the Mrs. "Are you stopping in hospital then?" She asked.
"Put the kettle on," I said, "I'll be back in ten minutes, I'll tell you all about it then."

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Oldham, United Kingdom
Had cancer, beat that. Collapsed lung every other month. Osteoporosis, got that. Just waiting for a heart attack and I'll have the full set then. Sick sense of humour.